The Quest
by Firewolfe
Summary: Saavik Reflects on her Quest for acceptance. She communicates with her more Savage side to explain her choices.
1. Chapter 1

-1By: Lisa AKA Fire Star

October 10, 2006

Disclaimer: Star Trek in all its forms belongs to the corporations  
and others. No profit will be made by this fan fiction by others or  
me. It may not be bought or sold. This is just for our enjoyment and  
to tie up loose ends that drove me crazy.

Rating : PG-13

Archive: Selek Yes anyone else just let me know where.

Summary: Pride in Accomplishments makes certain Vulcan's acknowledge  
their feelings. Saavik gains insight to who and what she is and to who her mate

should be. This is a POV piece. Most of it is a reflection , memories a conversation Saavik is having with herself. It is a reflection on who and what she is and can be.

She refers to her wild side as Spirit Self or Savage Spirit or simply Savage and her civilized side as Vulcan.

IDIC- Solutions:

**A Quest**

Who am I? What quest did I find?

How did this come to be?

Who am I? The age old question I ask my spirit self. My Spirit self that small part of me so wild, free and Savage. Come back with me see me. Help me understand this. Yes, I know it has been a while Savage spirit but help me please. I had to find a way to live without your constant prompts. I needed to embrace my Vulcan nature, My logical and hopefully civilized side. I do not reject you my wild side. I merely had to set you aside to learn to have a civilized nature. I call you Savage , but it is I who am that.

I look over and I see them all watching me. I am no one a shadow.  
All my life I have never truly mattered to anyone. Do you not see I had to …

Please do not misunderstand me I am not "Feeling sorry for myself"  
as the humans would say. I know one thing for certain I was created.  
I was not born from love or even an accident of nature. I was created by the brutal assault on my parent. I was not born to be a gift to my parent to strengthen a house. I was created to be a weapon. I / We know what we are. Yes I am communicating with my self once more. This is the one habit I/We maintain from childhood. I speak to my spirit self because We / I needed companionship.

It is hard to be so very alone. Ironic is it not when we have not talked for so Very long….

Well my Savage spirit let us discuss who and what I really am.

My heritage is that of a Vulcan/ Romulan. What does this mean? Half of me is savage. I am uncertain if this is because I am Romulan or is it because of how I came to be? No, I do not feel sorry for myself at all. I was created to be a challenge a warrior to take back the ancient homeland. Vulcan They wanted Vulcan and would have used us to gain it.

Then it changed….

They Romulus , abandoned us all on Hell guard and forged us into brutal animals. When he found me I was both Predator and prey. I was small so I was often the prey but you my savage spirit made me the ultimate predator. Do you remember how we were left when the experiment failed. We the children of Hell Guard were no more then animals to be used. We were left to die. The problem is we were forged from the genes of a remarkable species. Vulcan! It is not in a Vulcan or even a Romulan to simply lay down and die. Each of us had you inside. Savage pushing us to survive and thrive.

We are by our natures predators. We were forged in pain and hate and it made us hungry. We survived because we are strong. When Vulcan found us half starved and wild we were in our own way conquering our world. We would have given time perhaps formed a primitive society. Survival would have forced this. We must have been like the  
primeval Vulcans who had not yet conquered even the fire. We ate raw meat and perhaps each other. I shutter when I think of that time. It is why I pushed you away. I was afraid of myself / you what I could be and do.

Yet now….

They call my name and I rise up to walk across the stage. Second in the class they list my accomplishments and merits. Hump ,merit and achievements. I wonder what they would think If I told them my greatest merit was to learn to use a fork and knife? That speech was something that I could barely use? Do you remember Savage the struggle to form simple words? To use a fork and not just stab my food with the knife? The fight not to look at a living being as a potential threat or prey?

I look across the stage and see them each showing me their love and pride. They each gave me the will to step forward to claim this thing they offered me. This commission and acceptance of who I had become.

Let me explain who they all are to me. What you do not wish to listen my Savage spirit friend? Come now you are not so angry as not to seek to understand why I had to chain you for a time?

Come now it is important to explain… I need to examine and understand this. I need you my Savage side to understand this.

They are my lifeline and my anchor. Spock the one who ends my loneliness. Ah ,this is why you are upset with me my spirit friend . You see that Spock has taken your place as my confidante and as my conscious? Come now it is not that I have forgotten you or that I have ignored you? Please listen as I explain it all. He has made me value all the more.

Let me show you why.

I see him standing there my foster father. So, very staid and sure. A being that the galaxy trembles to listen to. He has become my head of house. Next to him his human wife  
the one who has been as a mother to me. A human who opened her heart and mind to

the Wildling a Savage Child her beloved son dragged home. I was as a wounded Letymath wild and dangerous. Poison to all who came into contact with me. Yet , her acceptance encouraged him to accept me. Grudgingly ,then willingly he offered his support and logic. A subtle acceptance that gave me a home a world to call my own. I became by his will and might Vulcan. It was within his power to give or to take my future so I had to accept his guidance. I recalled their first meeting.

Flashback Vulcan 10 years earlier-

Sarek looked away and at his wife. He recalled the fears. "You can not have this child. These children are not Vulcan. Would you adopt the child then?"

"If I was married I would. A child needs two parents." Spock said He stood his ground anger barely contained. His rage showed in his stance.

"Spock you can not do this." Sarek had faced off with his son his voice loud and commanding. "It would not be the best for the child. How can you raise her when you are away in space?"

Saavik running up and kicking Sarek in the leg. "No yell at Spock."

I heard your voice shout Kill him protect Spock. Spock is hurt. I needed your

power to do this thing. You saw even then I needed Spock. You see Savage it was because of you I defended Spock. I did listen to you.

Amanda had walked to Sarek to calm him down .She had been shocked to see me a mere child fly at her mate. Sarek had been taken aback by the attack and been forced away from their son. The child (You) had stood between them glaring angrily and then Amanda had froze as a blade appeared. A blade you made me forge and carry.

"No hurt Spock. Shut your mouth." This followed by an almost feral growl. "My Spock …guard him from you! You no hurt anymore!"

You my spirit said Spock was important to me so I embraced him. You my savage side would have let me gut Sarek. You would have me protect Spock even above our life.

I had intended to protect him. He was the most vital part of my life even then.

Amanda had watched me pleased to see me defend her son but afraid at  
the knife. I remembered Spock's reaction. Spock had been so gentle and caring.

I remember his voice so soft and calm.

"Saavik no." Spock had caught the child before she could inflict more damage. He held the shaking child to him. "Sarek only fears for your well being."

I choked out "He hurt….You hurt inside."

I could feel Sarek's rejection and Spock's pain. He felt like he was being killed this an other form of rejection by his father. It hit him in his very soul like a knife. You wanted me to show no mercy to Sarek. I so wanted to listen to you. Even then you sensed what was wrong and right.

I recalled the stunned look on Sarek's face and then the look of admiration. I stood my ground never to be Prey again. I would be strong and protect Spock and myself. Spock was all that mattered to me that day. Sarek could reject me even kill me but …Spock I would guard and protect. I think my actions impressed Sarek that day. You gave me power to show I was a force to be dealt with my spirit. From then on he treated me and Spock with respect and guarded welcome.

I have heard the story of how father and son were finally reconciled.

How Sarek once rejected Spock for putting on this uniform I now wear.

I look over with contrition and wonder how it is that I am honored for this choice as a daughter but his son rejected.

There is no logic to this and I am confused. I watch him and wonder at his thoughts his  
reason his logic? Well my Savage self why is Sarek accepting me where he rejected

his beloved son?

I do not hear you answer this question. Well then we are savage so logic does not always apply.

I walk with slow uncertain steps toward them. Spock rises to accept my first salute. Who else would deserve it? I watch as Captain Kirk and Dr. Mc Coy slip away to give us privacy. I salute this male who has been my mentor my guide.

I glance over and see pride in my "father's and mother's face" yes I see them as my parents. They are perhaps the closest I shall ever have. I wonder what it is that  
makes them so important to me.

Why do they matter? I look up and see his eyes. Even now the pain of Sarek's rejection showing deeply.

I look at him and see his pride. For me he pushes his pain aside. He shows His pride in my small merits strong and true. I walk at his side we reach Sarek and Amanda.

We are joined by Dr. Mc Coy and Captain Kirk .

I see the pride in Sarek's eyes and a calculation. What does Sarek see when he looks at me?

Once more I wonder how it is I a savage child have come to be here. I am standing next to five of the most famous, influential and powerful beings with in the Federation and all are proud of me. How is it this has happened?

Savage you helped me arrive here your will to survive.

I look over and see him looking at me and the answer comes so clearly. It is because of him. It has always been his guidance his ready acceptance of who and what I am. When I was a half starved child brandishing a knife he knelt beside me and offered me bread.

When I woke screaming in the night he held me. When I raged and fought he showed patience. He is my mentor my friend and my life. Spock the son of Sarek my heart and very soul.

Spock is the reason I learned to be half civilized. I know now I wanted to make him proud. I know he was is my ideal. All that I am is made to be a positive reflection on him. I never wished to reflect poorly on him , to be a cause for Sarek to once more hurt and reject him. Spock accepted me and I came to crave this. I came to see his ways as a sharpening of who and what I was. I was being shaped and honed like a fine blade.

I pushed you aside my Savage to be Civilized. I am nor rejecting you but merely asking you to be more…. Why?

I am the officer who won this recognition not for herself but for him. He mattered. I would gladly trade my life to see his pride in me. I suppose I shed you for a while to be this officer. I did not mean to send you away forever. Only for a while. I needed time to learn about you and myself. Who we were and who we can be.

Sarek speaks and "I respond I am honored."

I and I am. I am honored that I manage to appear civilized. It is only an appearance I still sometimes wish to rip his heart out for hurting Spock. Though I gained respect for his wisdom he is difficult at times.

"You are a worthy daughter of Vulcan." Sarek says.

I bow and accept this compliment. Looking up I see the speculation in Amanda's eyes.

What does she see when she looks at me?

I pray that Spock sees a logical Vulcan when he looks at me

To prove Spock was not a fool to claim us… me. I can be a logical Vulcan. This is the image I try to project. I see it working with the human Captain and Doctor. Mc Coy sarcastic wit show I have been accepted into the fraternity. It is simple really I matter to Spock so I matter to the humans.

"Now Saavik try not to drive the Afren's doctor crazy. Just because Spock does …does not mean you have to follow his example."

My brow rises. "I see no reason not to follow Captain Spock's example."

Who am I ? What am I? Savage/ Civilized? Vulcan/ Romulan? Or does it even matter?

The answer always has been here simple and true. You my spirit self kept me alive to find him. Do not be jealous now. Spock is there for us both. He is ours not just mine. We are one my spirit even if we are wild and only half civilized. You are afraid I will reject you my wild side to be this logical Vulcan? Never my soul because It is you that he is drawn to. We are both civil and untamed and it will be both of he needs.

I came to be a Vulcan because that is who he wants me to be. I am SAAVIK daughter of Vulcan. Because My Spock needs me to be this person. You my spirit my soul have nothing to fear because he hones us both to be his. I am the blade as well as the shield. I will always be there for him and I will need you to keep him safe. We are one and we will both be as I am and always will be his SAAVIKAM his creation.

Fini

This is a finished version.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Gene Rodenberry and the Corporations own Star Trek and it's characters. I am just playing with them for a while to close up lose ends. I own nothing and expect no money for this work. Though Reviews would be appreciated.

Summary: Saavik's savage let's lose its grief.

By : FireStar

2006.14.12

Quest II Letting go of the Pain PG

Saavik walked in the garden. She had never been to Japan before and found the gardens soothing. They were perfect for meditation. She looked on as lanterns floated in the dark waters. The stars sparkled above her and she was oddly at peace. She looked over and saw Captain Sulu placing a lantern in the water. He lite the small candle and stepped back. She walked over to him curious to why he was performing this ritual.

"Lt. Saavik It is good to see you." He said smiling rather sadly.

"It is agreeable to see you again sir. I did not know you would be in Hiroshima?"

"It was not planned. I had a meeting canceled at the last minute so I beamed over for the festival. It has been years since I was able to attend. " he looked away for a moment at he floating lanterns. "It seemed to be necessary."

"There is significance to this day?" Saavik asked genuinely curious now.

"Yes, We use today to remember those who have gone before. I am placing a lantern for my brother and his family. They passed away last year in a shuttle crash. It is a way to remember them and honor them. I am also lighting one for my father."

"May anyone do this? Does it have to be for a family member?" Saavik asked suddenly considering something. _I can use this to let go of my grief_. _Oh Savage this is fitting to let go of the pain to wash it away._

"No, It can be for a friend or lost loved one." Sulu explained.

"Then I will lite one." Saavik said She took a brightly colored lantern and illogical as it was lite the candle. She set it in the water and let it go. It drifted away and she was oddly at peace. _Father this is to honor you. I could not follow the Vulcan way as your Katra was lost to me. This is beauty and peace._

"May I ask who that was for?" Sulu said

She looked at him a single tear falling. "For my father."

_Goodbye father, may your spirit find peace._

TBC...


End file.
